A Gathering of Angels

by Dennis Balagtas

Diana Peterson, suicide victim, age 36, appeared before a panel of eleven Angels. They were Record Keeping Angels. As she stood there in front of them, they kindly asked her to sit down. The head angel said, "My dear we need to know, for the reocrds, two important things. The first is, why did you choose to end your life sooner than was scheduled? And second, we want you to prepare a contract for your new life, where you're going to go next."

Diana sat there, feeling somehow unreal. "I thought that I'd go to heaven when I'd die," she said.

"Oh no," said one Angel. "That's just really a myth. You have many things that you need to learn. How do you suppose you could learn that in one lifetime? No, we give you lots of chances to learn the things that you want to. We have you come here so you can choose each time where you want to go and what sort of circumstances that you want."

Diana gasped. This was certainly different than anything she had ever been taught before. "Well, aah, I guess I better tell you then, where I came from. You see, I grew up with two very unloving parents. They didn't really care about me or talk to me. They usually were very involved with their own lives and their own friends. I never really felt supported by them. They never hugged me. In fact, I never even saw them hug or kiss in my presence. I suppose that's why I'm so cold and distant myself.

Also, I was in this dead end job. I really didn't know what I wanted to do and I tried many jobs. I always seemed to have enough skills for one particular kind of work, but it wasn't very rewarding. Money was really tough and I had two kids to support. My dream job that I always wanted was to be an actress. I didn't have many friends, only had one or two. Many times they'd go away and that would be it. I'm kind of odd looking. Some people say I'm pretty but I think that I don't really fit in with most of the people. And I'm not like usual people, you know. I have a lot of unusual ideas and my actions aren't really normal. I like to be by myself a lot and think. I like to act. So you see, I don't really fit in."

"Also, I was very sickly. I didn't have a lot of energy. I was always tired, always becoming sick and I'd have to go to bed a lot. There would be times that I wouldn't want ANYBODY to be in my life, and I would be irritable with my children. They'd want to come in my room and interrupt me while I was thinking. I guess I'm not a good parent. I don't like to spend time with my kids. I don't really know who they are. I don't really think they care about me either. Also, I'm really tired of being a pushover, that people could get just about anything they wanted from me. I was always afraid to say no. I would feel like I was a bad person if I said no. So after all that I just got tired. I thought 'I don't want to live here anymore. Just call it quits, and go on to Heaven and maybe I can rest there.' But I guess it's not true. What you're telling me is this is it, that I have to go back there again." Diana paused for a breath.

One of the Angels spoke up. "Yes it's true that you have to go back; however, you can choose whatever it is that you want for yourself when you do go back. Since you told us why you killed yourself and why you're here now, perhaps you'd like to make a new contract with us."

"Oh gosh, I guess I haven't really thought about it much. I know I had a lot of Hispanic friends who came from real large loving families. They always seem to be so cheerful and giving. I think if I had to go back, I'd like to go live with a Hispanic family, maybe in California. Sometimes, I've even seen black families that seem to be so loving and sweet. The only thing is that I wouldn't want to feel any prejudice if I went to those kinds of families. OK, let's see, I want to not have to work very hard at a job. Or I want a rich husband or I would be smart enough to be able to earn lots of money on my own. I would like to get to the point where I didn't have to work when I didn't want to and I would love my job. I'm so tired being in a place where it's just a dead end.

I want to feel creative and that I contribute something to the world through my job. I would like to have a friendly personality and have a lot of people as friends, and have everybody like me. I would still have a lot of time to myself if I wanted, and that I would be pretty and beautiful with a good figure. I would be liked but not just liked for looks alone. I would be pretty inside as well as outside. And everyone would say, 'she is a beautiful person.' I think I'd like that a lot. I think I'd like to have a really good robust health and feel like being around people more. Oh, I remember another thing I'd really like. I would love people. It seems right now that I don't care and I'd really like to care about people.

The next thing is, I'd like to be a loving parent or maybe I'd like to have no children for awhile. Maybe that would be a good idea, untiul I could learn how to be a better parent. It doesn't sound like there would be enough time to have time for my children if I was doing all those things that I've decided."

"The last thing I would like is to be assertive, that I could say no if I wanted to and yes if I wanted to. I could do what I wanted and no one would really mind or have any judgements of me and I would be free to go and come as I choose."

"Well Diana that sounds like quite an impressive contract," said the angel, "I think we can arrange all those things for you. I have just one more question for you about your contract. What do you hope to accomplish for being in that life?"

"Oh," said Diana. "Do you mean I have to decide what I want to accomplish?"

"Of course," said the angel, "That's what it's all for."

"Oh, well, lets see, the only thing I can think of is to understand what love is all about. I think I'd like to accomplish that. No, I think I'd like to accomplish loving myself and giving myself enough happiness and money and security, so I wouldn't have to feel that I wanted to die."

"That sounds excellent," said another angel, "I think we have a good contract. Alright, here is a copy of the contract for you, Diana, and we will keep a copy in your records."

"You know what?" said Diana, "I guess I actually had a thought that because I killed myself I was going to go to hell. Now you tell me that I'm not going to heaven. Am I going to hell?"

"Oh my goodness," said the angel. "Where have you heard these stories? No, there isn't a place that punishes you. We don't believe in punishment. We also don't believe in reward. We just believe in love. We also know that heaven and hell are INSIDE of you. If you think one certain kind of feeling then it feels like heaven, but if you think another sort of thing, I'm sure you can tell us that it feels like hell."

"That's true," said Diana. "I've never really thought of it like that. It's how you look at things to determine if you live in heaven or hell. Only I can reward or punish myself."

"Oh, also, perhaps you would be interested in hearing about your last contract. You might find it very interesting," said another Angel.

"I didn't think that there would be an old contract."

"Yes, we would like to tell you the contract that you came into the life being Diana Peterson on. Prior to that, you died in 1926 in Italy. You had eleven children. There was lots of hard work. You had a very large, close family, lots of relatives, lots of good food. You were a very round, robust, energetic woman. What you asked for was parents who would give you space to treat you like you were a smart person, to give you freedom, to trust you, to take care of yourself. They would let you go where you wanted without breathing down your neck."

"You wanted to have a job like a man. You wanted to have time to dream, to think, to create. You wanted to not have so many people around, but have space to breathe. You wanted just a couple of friends and a small family. You wanted to be tall and thin and not told so often what a pretty woman you were or what a good mother you were or what a nice person you were. You wanted to be unique, to stand out, to do different things, to maybe be like the ladies in the movies. You said that because you had worked so very hard with children and cooking and cleaning, you didn't want to have to work so hard. You thought you could be sickly like Camille. You wanted to be alone. You wanted to have fewer children or no children, so that you could rest. Whatever, children you did have would be independent. You would like to be more lady-like and quiet because you had been so loud. Those were the items on your last contract."

Diana stood wonderingly. Two small tears ran down her cheeks. "It sounds like I got what I wanted. Parents that gave me space, more rest, to not work so hard. I've been quite creative, even acted some. All in all, I'm so confused. I killed myself because I GOT WHAT I WANTED!" She put her hands over her eyes.

"No, no," said the youngest angel gently. "It was HOW you thought about yourself in your life, seeing yourself as UNHAPPY and a FAILURE that you chose death."

"You can have all the chances you want," said another Angel, patting Diana's shoulder. "You are not doomed forever. You can keep going back until you learn it is not what you HAVE or who you ARE that counts. It's HOW you LOVE yourself and others, that feels like Heaven."

Suddenly all became black. The next thing Diana heard was the doctor saying, "It's a beautiful little girl, Mrs Sanchez." The doctor was surprised the baby didn't cry.

THE END